How I turned my inner mean girl into my biggest hype woman + it changed everythingSep 13, 2022
So what is becoming your own biggest hype woman about???
This is about completely redefining how you SEE yourself, its about building a better relationship with yourself…and becoming more confident so you can go after that thing you know deep inside you really want.
And it’s about SEEING yourself by looking inward, instead of looking outside of yourself for validation from others…from social media, or for the latest trends to dictate what self-love, self-care, success should look like…
It’s honestly one of the most disturbing trends I see, especially on instagram, is reel after reel, post after post - how they all start to look the same. You know?
And I’m guilty of this too, following what I thought was the formula for success - and ending up following someone else’s path. And I see it so often. And when I think about my niece or my cousins daughters, or anyones daughters growing up and feeling like they need to adopt someone else’s identity in order to be LIKED - it literally breaks my heart. AND social media isn’t going anywhere, so I think the best thing you can do is to fill them with a strong sense of self and confidence…
The problem starts with HOW we see ourselves, because we all have that inner mean girl, and we can be so hard on ourselves.
We say things to ourself that we would never say to a friend. Think about how you look at a friend you love. How many times have you heard them putting themselves down, or not going after that thing they want - and you’re sitting thinking “oh. my. god. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you right now. you are more than capable…of course you deserve to be successful”
And i say this ALL the time - because I’m lucky enough to work with a lot of powerful women, helping them show up on social media with purpose. We talk about a lot of things from strategy and growing an engaged community online to building a visible brand.
BUT in this work I’ve noticed something. Pretty much every single women I work with - and they will tell you this themselves - is quietly and constantly dealing with self-doubt and inner voice. And this pattern of thinking, this habit of playing small and shooting yourself down before you’ve EVEN give yourself a chance, keeps you feeling stuck.
because when it comes to building a brand online, content creation, building engaged communities.
NONE of this matters if you don’t SEE yourself…as a leader, as badass CEO, as someone you respect, admire, or just someone you wanna hang out with because you enjoy it -
How you feel about yourself is the single most important part of building a business + community.
so im constantly telling them
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”
We need to develop a better relationship with ourselves, so that we can take better care for ourselves, we stand up for ourselves and we have better boundaries….it also means we stick to those promises we made with ourself…so we can slowly push ourselves outside of our comfort zone and for the things we want.
And the reason why i even created this series, just to give you a bit of a background about why Im sharing this, is because over the course of running my business and just living my live over the past 4 - 5 years, there were so many moments where i felt lost and so disconnected from myself, and therefore lost a lot of my confidence because i was always trying to fit myself into someone else’s version of success of who i thought i needed to be in business to be taken serious and this had an impact on how I saw myself.
So in 2020 i finally had the time to really think about who I am and who i wanted to be - And I ended up going on this journey of self-discovery and it really helped me, in fact, it is no exaggeration to say it absolutely changed how I see myself, which changed how i show up in my business and my life. It got to the point where so many people were commenting on how I’d changed, they were like something shifted in your energy. And it really has, i feel more connected, way more at peace, and just purposeful. it was like Holy shit i really do feel good about myself. and i created my own definition of what self-love looks like for me - because ill be honest a lot of the content around self care and self love just never resonated with me.
And when I look back at how this shift happened - it started the day I decided to become my own biggest hype woman and how that changed everything.
But had to start with deciding to be…
Imagine you had a team. - and there was this guy going around on your team telling everyone you sucked. You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re the wrong person for the job - what would you do?? You would fire that person right?? So why in a team of one are you doing it to yourself…who else is going to advocate for you if not you?
And in the next 3 posts I’m going to walk you through all of the different things i did…
The first phase is all about in order to be seen you need to see your self first - you need to build that self acceptance and respect with yourself - because when youre good with you it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks - its about recognising that you are your own source of inspiration - its you have infinite creativity energy and inspiration inside of you
the second step is all about taking action + winning the MOMENT - how often have you wanted to create a change in your life - maybe it has to do with your health, business or something you’ve always wanted to try but before you even get started you talk your self out of it you believe the lie that its not for you - or you get started but just as your like “this is going great” - theres that inner mean girl - so in this post we’ll break down your vision into the everyday steps you need to take to build momentum and confidence in the process.
And finally the third step is all about the mindset shifts and habits to becoming your biggest hype woman and maintain that momentum.
because its not cool to wake up constantly every single day speak negatively about yourself or feel bad about yourself -
When I went through this - it was like reconnecting back to the person I always knew I was.
In this post we’re going to go deeper into step one - finding that inspiration.
Here’s what I did:
The first first thing I did was zoom out to get perspective. And here’s a really simple, but powerful shift that helped - I started to use my own name - so I’d say things like “OK Hayley what are doing today?” And i speak to myself like this and if you haven’t tried it already it really helps to see yourself more clearly.
The next exercise is to look at yourself in the mirror, and most ppl do this everyday right getting dressed for work - but most people also don’t really know who they are outside of who society told them who they should be - this is different - you want to like stare into your eyes and literally SEE yourself. And try speaking to yourself - it doesn’t need to be awkward, you don’t want to say anything that doesn’t feel good for you - before a presentation I like to say “Hayley you’re gonna kill it” what ever feels good for you.
I started reflecting back on my origin story and I’ve spoken about this before previous posts. But this was really profound for me, because I think there are parts of our story that we often ignore, or we haven’t faced yet because it doesn’t feel like it should be part of our narrative. you know? But when you start owning all of it, and seeing all that you’ve been through - all that you’ve done - you start to see yourself with a whole new respect.
You start to recognise who you are already and everything you already have within you. We just don’t reflect on it enough, its about seeing yourself the way your best friend sees you.
When while i was doing this exercise - I remembered how my brother and i used to love watching action movies, im talking karate kid, american ninja, rambo - and how i so badly wanted to identity with the heroes in these movies. They were so strong - and of course all men at this time… and the women were portrayed as the ones who needed saving, and honestly they were always kind of annoying. It was the time I adopted the idea of what I thought strength was.
And i started to to see my sensitive side as my biggest weakness -
so i tried really hard to ignore this side of myself.
I wanted to be seen as strong. i wanted to be one of the boys.
I even petition my school to let me be on the boys cricket team. its not that i wanted a girls cricket team. NO i wanted to be one of the boys. And THIS served me really well in the corporate world. But it came to a point where I didn’t even recognize myself any more - because i had mastered how to bury this side for so long..
And you know what helped with re-connecting this side of myself?
Astrology - I’m a Pisces Sun - Scorpio Moon and Leo rising, so it you’re into astrology you’ll know - its means im naturally sensitive, intuitive and creative - and im meant to be leaning into the qualities of Leo - which is confidence and a high self esteem - and thats so interesting because my husband is actually a leo and ive learned so much from on this journey together.
Its gets so interesting the more you dig into it, and it helped me to see my sensitive side as my biggest strength - rather than a weakness, because its what helps me build really deep connections with my clients and business partners that feel more like friendships and it means i can help them do the same with for businesses.
I could honestly talk about astrology for hours - so i think we gonna need another whole blog post just so we can talk about it.
BUT I wanna talk about internalized misogny for a minute - because its a sneaky one - and if we’re not careful it shows up in how we SEEL ourselves, how we SPEAK TO OURSELVES and about other WOMAN. As soon as you become aware of it - you will see it EVERYWHERE and it WILL ruin your favourite movies for you.
It shows up in thoughts like:
“she's too much”
“who does she think she is?”
or unfairly judging a woman on how she looks?
Here’s an example of how it showed up for me. And this is embarrassing to share now, because i think ive come a looooong way since then….
I used things like : “I’m not like the other girls”
which is the patriarchy’s idea that other girls are “dramatic” or “high maintenance”
and I remember being so proud for not being high maintenance…
BUT NOW? when i saw these glamorous women in the office who spent time getting their NAILS done and who always had beautiful blow-dried hair, they were always so well dressed up - i’d sub-consciously think they obviously weren’t working as hard as i was, or they weren’t as serious - how f’d up is that? God Now i’d love to tell them how beautiful + powerful they look. AND its only NOW in my 30s - that I make a celebration out of getting my nails and hair done.
And now anytime i notice these kind of judgements pop up
I ask myself
what is it about her that I admire?
what does she have that I wish I had?
what is it about her energy?
her presence that I admire?
It’s changed how i see other women
AND it’s changed how i see MYSELF.
I’m redefining what strength looks like for me - learning to embrace my sensitive, intuitive and empathetic feminine side and balancing it with that positive masculine energy like hustling when I need to, being competitive and having a get it done attitude.
But it ALL started with SEEING my self first. And being like she’s actually pretty cool
I like hanging out with myself….and i want you to try this - have you ever taken yourself out on a date? not like a quick lunch, I'm talking about taking yourself out somewhere nice, dressing up…ordering good food, drinking good wine - putting your phone away and just enjoying being in your own company.
I can tell you its a VIBE….because with all the comparison, and messages that we’re not enough coming at us - it can feel a little unrealistic to go from being so hard on your self - to loving yourself…so we start with a date….your dating yourself to fall in love with yourself. and be like damn you’re amazing. because i see you hyping everyone else around you - so why not for YOU??
A lot of this comes down TRUST,
trusting the process - that if you put your head down and do the work the results will come
AND trusting that the universe, a higher power, guides, source or whatever you prefer to call it - actually wants you to WIN.
and that when you win its like this ripple effect inspiring the women around you and for generations to come.
Now after all of this reflection you want to create a vision that actually inspires you.
Let go of the idea that there is ONE blueprint out there for you to follow and Trust yourself to build your own personal roadmap.
Because what most people end up doing is they start looking outside of themselves. they go to youtube, Tik Tok, Instagram - to tell them what they should do - AND theres nothing wrong with getting inspired - because sometimes we can’t imagine it, or we don’t know what is possible until we see it. So i think there is a healthy way to get inspired by others…and deciding what feels good for you.
But the first place we should be looking is to start looking within, reconnecting with ourselves, trusting our own intuition and building internal confidence that allows us to take more action with less fear of judgement.
It's about becoming that person you admire, or recognising you are already. becoming your own champion, being there for you when you make a mistake, diluting those inner mean girl thoughts.
And I don't know about you but ive always struggled with creating vision boards. anytime someone would suggest creating one id feel like i was like an exam - and i was looking over other peoples shoulders for the answers - like what it SHOULD look like … Ooor id be too influenced by the aesthetics so id like ooh that picture looks pretty I'm gonna add that - and then id look at this board and feel nothing. meh. there was no real connection.
So for me visualization meditations were really powerful to connecting to a feeling - it was more about how i wanted to feel. and i wrote down a list of things to hype me up.
this included characteristics…styles, energy, habits and hobbies that id always admired …
things like “to feel financially empowered, free to travel any time any where… to feel proud of myself, to finally start learning how to surf…” and i wrote it all down and come back to it to remind myself whenever i feel like i need inspiration.
Alright friends and that is part one to becoming your biggest hype woman.
AND in our next post we’re gonna have a conversation about putting this into action, breaking it down into little steps so you don't get overwhelmed - channeling big fuck it energy and WINNING THE MOMENT by moment.
Thank you for reading….if you got any value out of that post I’d love to hear your feedback on IG @hiltonhayley or tag me in your Stories
i appreciate your time…and il catch you in the next one.
Ok love you, bye xx